Ratbaggery




My Efdgdfgffect

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Speech given by Lord Yackerboom, piss be upon him,  at the Nuremburg Rally, oops sorry, what a giveaway, at the 444th Annual General Meeting of the Silly Persons Support Alliance held in the amenities shed, Mawson, Antartica, a week ago Tuesday.


"Hello, and welcome, to our extinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen, if any, and the rest of you plebs.  Good to see our favourite Vorlon Ambassador, Kosh.  I won't say welcome, Kosh, because we all know you have always been here. I see George W Bush made it here despite the prime directive.  I bet God misses your prayer breakfasts!  And Barrack4 Obama2go, the peace laureate.  I bet that gave Laurie indigestion, eh!  There's General Betrayus, the new Micky Mouse.  Looking groovy!  Eat your heart out, James T Kirk. Hey, there's Bill Clinton.  I thought you were dead, Bill.  You look dead.  Someone check him for a pulse, O.K.?  Nice to see Elvis again.  How's the taco stand in Mexico City going?  Tony Blair too.  It took the world quite a while to realise just how silly you are.  On the short list for next Pope, I understand. Hi to the Binars, the silliest aliens to ever appear on the Star Trek franchise.  Got those data buffers on your belts?  Good, good.  Cain The Elder!  Hello, my friend, stay awhile and listen, O.K.?  I hear the Horadrim are merging with the Jesuits!  Sounds like an interesting combination!  Ben Kenobe, looking good for a crazy old hermit.  How's the Dune Sea these days?  The Jedi retirement benefits not so crash hot, eh?  Damn that Yoda, incomplete his superannuation investments are.  Bill O'Reilly couldn't make it this year, auditioning for a job on the Cartoon Network, I believe. Thank heavens for that, on a good day he makes as much sense as the Flowerpot Men; the puppets, not the 60s band.  Hello to Londo Molari, my favourite Centauri.  Any life form with six penises (penii?) certainly belongs here.


It is wonderful to be here at the biggest gathering of silly people outside the United Nations or the Fux Spews Chunder.  Mawson is a bugger of a place to get to, in fact, you would have to be extremely silly to even try.  That's why we are holding it here, no sensible person would come within coo-ee of the joint.  The last thing we need here is someone making sense.

We are always concerned with the difficulties faced by you plebs in rising from mere silliness to the heights of utter stupidity without going into politics or becoming another Sean Calamity or Glenn Drek clone.  Watching the Fux Spews Chunder isn't the answer, I'm afraid, brain dead is not the same as utter stupidity.  If you want brain dead, get a job at the Pentagon or become an Alaskan Govenor.

Rather than focus entirely on future problems, let's spend a little while thinking of those silly persons, some them extremely silly, who risen to great heights in the past, whilst actually achieving bugger all. An inspiration to us all, these people gained power and money without making any sense whatsoever.

Donald Graf von Rumsfeld.  He was obviously channeling Wilhelm Keitel, but if he ever made any sense I certainly missed it.  I'm still trying to figure out what language he used.  It certainly wasn't english.

My old mate Judas Iscariot.  What a dickhead.  Thirty pieces of silver for one Redeemer.  Even in today's money that's chump change.  He could have got a lot more out of the Romans.  If you're looking at eternal damnation, at least get some decent party money before you go down the chute.

Jerry Lee Lewis, he married his cousin and still didn't get a gig on the Jerry Springer Show.

Charles Darwin started this whole evolution -v- creationism thing.  To settle once and for all that we descended from monkies, why didn't he marry one?  That would have gone a long way towards explaining George W Bush as well.

What about our favourite android, Data.  A marvellous piece of engineering, no doubt costing billions, created without internet access!  How early 90s.  No wonder he ended up alone in the universe!  Why spend billions on something that won't get your email or surf porn sites?  How silly can you get.

George W Bush, doyen of the illiterati, the man who put dickheadedness back in the public psyche, and made utter stupidity chic again. He is to humanity as spam is to the internet. His policies weren't faith based, they were fart based, and we are all relieved that it wasn't possible for him to stand for a turd term.  Classy stupidity, George.

Dickless Cheney, the man who made George W look like a reasonable human being, is silly enough to think people won't think he is silly.  Dickless gives utter bastards a bad name.

And the Scientologists.  The sillier this lot gets, the more money they make.  Even after royalty payments to Xenu, there is lots of dosh around.  We gods are very jealous of Xenu. Fancy having Tiny Tom on the payroll!

There are many more we could discuss, but I have a very short attention span, even for a false god.

Many Silly People believe in creationism and the like.  Actually, i DID create life, the universe, and everything, but not the way you plebs think.  I ordered it online, opting for the open source version without an owner's manual, thereby providing millennia of fruitful work for the theologians, keeping them off the street, always a good thing.


Lord_Yackerboom


© Brian Brett 2011